Says Peter Dmitrievsky, family psychologist:
– It would be very convenient if the theory of two halves really worked. That is currently live and are just waiting for a match. And your partner also behaves decently, is waiting to meet you. Then somewhere you meet, both realize that they found each other and then live happily ever after, a little quarrel, but generally happy with life. In fact, our partners have people with a variety of Luggage – genetic, psychological, biological, biographical.
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There are pluses early student marriage: a Union come people have not completely formed plastic. They will have to grow up together and learn science to remain in the marriage together. The cons in this case, perhaps, only in the fact that young people increasingly focused on the dreams and patterns of books and movies, so it is harder to cope with disappointments. In this sense, marriage with a Mature man who has behind him a serious relationship, has an obvious advantage: such a man already knows why it is sometimes necessary to take out the trash, how to pay electricity bills, and some even know how to calm a small child.
In a relationship with a woman is divorced the man is already aware of what happens in a couple of fights and disagreements, he would not faint when it turns out that you have different tastes in choosing curtains or in politics.
The risk of such a Union that the man already faced with some intolerance in the past married, and therefore already considering divorce as a way to cope with this intolerance.
If your partner in the previous marriage had to have children, then you are entering into these relationships, you need to keep in mind two things.
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1. Regardless of who initiated the split up parents, children find it difficult to accept the divorce. They carry out the difficult psychological work on acceptance of what happened, but they usually still remain a precipitate and a sense of frustration, bitterness, sadness. Your appearance in life their dad is further proof that returning to the past will not. There are exceptions, but generally children remain cautious attitude toward the new partner of the father. They either show you a lot of love (but this is more because of the desire to support the Pope, and earn its location), or openly tend to get angry and “punish” you with coldness. In a sense, the major task for you would be to somehow make friends with them, to make sure that you look at each other without enthusiasm, but with inner consent: Yes I have it, we need to figure out how to learn to consider each other, adapt to each other’s existence. The second important task will be to establish such a procedure at home, when the children of her husband understand that they are worthy of respect “subjects of the Kingdom” in which the leadership is exercised not they, but the “king” (their father) and the Queen (his new fiancee). The first and the second task very difficult. In this you will need a lot of support of a spouse, and sometimes an external expert, a family psychologist.
2. Regardless of how your partner broke up with his ex-wife until the children reached adulthood, the man and the woman are connected by the joint project. It is important to find the opportunity to discuss with your husband how he sees his part in their upbringing. The list of issues to discuss before marriage you can find on the next page.
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What should be alerted?
1. The ongoing accusations against ex-wife, complaining about how hard it is with her life. This may mean that the relationship with the woman the man is not yet completed, it continues to be in intense communion with her, settles scores, looking for the truth. A man should first deal with the previous story, and then to start a new serious relationship. This does not mean that your relationship definitely needs to stop. Probably the man should be given time to “depoziti” separation. It is important that he really was gradually completed their previous relationship, rather than continue to chew on them like gum.
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If claims against the former there is no shortage, this may mean that the source emerging in a pair of problems your man is inclined to see in the partner and is not inclined to perceive them as an excuse to deal with your own reactions, fears, ideas about marriage. In this case, the probability is high that the collision of interests in this relationship the man wouldn’t take responsibility for their feelings and actions, and will see the root of all problems in you.
2. Ultimate stealth and the look of horror on your face as soon as you ask a question concerning his past life. Under this avoidance usually are intense feelings (intense fear, shame, disgust, anger), and intense feelings – a sure sign of incomplete relations. The treatment is the same as in the previous paragraph.
3. It is important to cautious if a man engages you in a triangle: to compare you with the previous partner, praises its background, instead of building a separate relationship with you. This kind of invitation in a triangle can mean that relationship with you is largely a way to prove something to her. That is what relationship with you is a technical tool, and the drama continues to unfold between him and the former.
“Honeymoon” after the divorce. Why the former spouses continue the relationship?
4. In the case of children it is important to see how much power in his life, the man gives ex-wife and children. Does he manage your time at any time of the day or night? Can he refuse them? Is there in these respects any rules, rhythms, restrictions? If rules and restrictions not then your relationships are in a very vulnerable position. Moreover, such softness and devotion to children can be a form of cheating. When a man is really not ready for a rapprochement with a woman not ready to some extent to devote himself to her, he sometimes uses socially accepted excuses, such as work on the project over responsible or the need to intensively participate in the lives of children under the auspices of the “children are sacred”.
5. The alarm signal may become apparent naivety, carelessness of men when talking about relationships: “Why split up? I do not know. I just somehow stopped loving her.” Or: “We just weren’t right for each other. And you, of course, we two!” This may indicate that male is still quite immature, he is not inclined to observe themselves, to detect the motives of his conduct, not very capable of fidelity and responsibility in relationships.
It is important to clarify that entering into a marriage with a divorced man?
1. What kind of suffering in marriage is unbearable? That he and you can do to prevent the same level of intolerance?
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2. The ratio of men to marriage. As he sees the rules, the system of work of this Union? What he would like to answer himself, how he views the role of the wife, what questions he considers necessary to resolve together.
3. What he sees his part of the responsibility for what happened in the previous family? As he sees it, which led to the divorce? As distributes responsibility between themselves and a previous wife? What did they do to save the marriage? What a man knows ways to maintain a long-lasting good relations in the pair? What is going to do to save this marriage? For example, if it recognizes the existence of problems with alcohol, excessive emotionality or the inability to earn, if he was going to go to a psychologist, in an anonymous self-help groups? What counter efforts by the new partner counts?
4. Why the man decided on a new marriage, having the experience of disappointment? The basis for his hope? Do you have the necessary skills and qualities to meet those expectations, if they relate to your behavior?
5. If the man has children from a previous marriage, is he going to set some sort of schedule and rhythm of involvement in their upbringing? Or ex-wife and children have the right to require its inclusion in any day of the week and any time of the day?
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What not to do?
Not to support the attempts of man or his ex-spouse to draw you into the triangle. In addition to clarifying the conversation which we wrote above, once again not to mention ex-wife and not to ask for to talk details. Even if you celebrate the victory (“you have to Admit, I cook better than her Apple pie, right?”), damage to your pair that it is virtually invited another woman.
It should be remembered that, despite the diagnostic value of the information about the previous marriage, any new relationship is a new relationship. With another man and you become a little different. And the man turns to you some new, are not always driven to him by the party. Therefore, more focus should be not on detective work and getting pleasure from relationships and the operational response to the emerging tensions and inconsistencies.
Remember that any marriage is an interesting journey. But also sometimes hard work. In close relationships we sometimes learn to give way and sometimes be persistent, learn courage to speak about uncomfortable, and sometimes learn to adapt to their own and other quirks. And this marriage with a divorced man is no different from other marriages.