“It was not pity, — says Olga Krasilnikova.- I felt my resource.” The desire to become a foster mother, at first superficial, wandering, she had for about 30 years. But first, it is fueled, rather, by a sense of pity than a sense of the resource. She worked in URALSIB, and participated in the visits to the orphanage, over which ruled the Fund “Victoria”.
“I soon went to study at the “School of adoptive parents”, — says Olga. — It helped me to soberly assess their capabilities. If I thought I was about to adopt a little girl, after the school realized that can’t take on that responsibility, fail. I work a lot, the child most of the time in the garden or with the nanny, and the formation of attachment I will not have time and I can’t give the baby what she needs. The teenager then I had not considered, I thought it was a completely different story. In the end, I decided that I will remain a volunteer and will help children to the best of their ability”.
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“Just decided — so decided!”
Gradually Olga has developed a trusting relationship with the children living at the shelter. She became their mentor, and the guys used to share their goals and promises. Especially Olga moved closer to Vanya. And in 2013 Olga received a call from the shelter: Vani, who for 12 years lived there, there was, finally, the official status: “guardianship, foster family, or adoption.” The boy was in a children’s institution without status. Van “light” orphanage: potential adoptive parents were not ready to take the family to a 15-year-old, and in turn to him, no one stood.
“I have already formed a relationship with Vanya, and the most important thing was trust. Pity was not, I realized that I can give him what he now required. And he needs something to rely on adult shoulder, clear guidance, — says Olga. And I suggested — you will come to live in our family. It was not emotional, not anxious but rather rational and calm. I had a doubt: can I manage that he will be with me interesting, because my blood daughter was 24, and experience raising boys I never had”.
Olga is grateful to her daughter — Alina supported the mother immediately said: “Mom, just decided — so decided!”. Went to talk to Joe. On the offer to go to the family of Ivan was confused, but said, “Let’s try”.
Fears Of Olga
As Olga says, in the custody of one of the employees constantly told her, “Why do you need it? The boy won’t respect you, he uses you, and then leave and not say thank you”. But later I learned that all this was said against the background of another story: another foster family that also took the child, quickly came to return. “Let them enjoy. Me a lot, I do not mind”, — said Olga, the employee of guardianship. Since then, this phrase has become the motto of Olginym.
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The terrible word “adaptation,” admits foster mother, was sitting in her subconscious. She waited, and when “‘d kick the shit outta”? There were various difficulties, Olga consulted with a psychologist, asking when will this happen? But then I realized that this “‘d kick the shit outta” is when the parents are not willing to accept the child such what he is, not understand the causes and signals of his actions. After all, his behavior is not directed personally against the parent — child is accustomed to family life, learning to live a new life, and other communication tools.
Of course, Olga was fears. For example, she was worried whether the van to take her as senior, as a mentor, who needs to obey? Will he accept the rules of the new family? Whether they have time to form an attachment, you will have time before the end of the term of the contract — up to 18 years — to help him to socialize and give the skills that will be needed to Vanya in “free swimming”? Olga says that he did not know whether Ivan and Alina as her family? Or in 18 years and say goodbye to them?
The excitement was caused by the lack of understanding of how to deal with his blood relatives? “It seems to me, — says Olga — that is important for the child that I accept his all, including his family. Even if it is useless, wrong, but I accept his story of life.” In memory of Vanya sat for a long time the idea that he has a very good loving grandfather. He has remembered his grandparents with whom he lived in childhood. Olga made the effort to find the grandfather, then along with a van was found with him.
“I was very afraid that Vanya then say: “Thank you, Olga, and now I will move to my grandfather”. But this did not happen, — says foster mom. — On the contrary, even communication with my grandpa and sisters we with Vanya even more alike”.
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A huge plus was the fact that Olga and Ivan and I talked for three years before he came to her family. “When you take the teenager in the family, you can’t take the authoritarian position,” she says, ” first you have to build horizontal linkages, and then, when there is trust, it is already possible to build a hierarchy, to let him know that I’m a parent, I’m responsible for him. And then this position your teen perceives calmly. Later I heard it in the classroom and resource group for parents from Ludmila Petranovskoj, which confirmed the correctness of my strategy, formed on a whim”.
Olga kept a diary of foster mother to Facebook, where he described all the difficulties and joy. In difficult times, re-read your good memories it gave her the support and hope that all will be well. And when Olga got a second foster child, she again went back to its records and realized that almost everything she is now with a second son, Dima, has been with the van. And this experience helped her.
Once Olga has motivated John to think about the shared future, has told such phrase: “I am your children will show your photos, When you’re a bearded uncle, I still worry about you”. And now the van already he is planning his future life.
“Happiness for me is when he says: “Here is my wife, you’ll teach her to cook soup, how are you, good,” says Olga. — So the question of how we will live after him for 18 years, disappeared a year later, on the eve of the 16th anniversary”.
One day Ivan asked Olga: “And can I have your name?”. For a foster mom that was happiness, she thought, “Mother admitted the family was accepted!”. Olga says that she was arguing with the officials, care staff, said she will have to issue a bunch of papers, “why do you need it?”… But they Vanya did.
Vanya is now studying at the University, sports. If he used more than about school and dreamed of, but this year it is well passed the exam and entered the Moscow state technical University of civil aviation. “I am glad, — says Olga — that he chose the job and went there, where he is interested. This is one of our biggest achievements.”
A graduate of the van with my mom, sister Alina and brother Dima. Photos from the family archive Krasilnikova
“Seated on a chair and went away”
After some time, Olga began to understand that they are ready to adopt another child. “I van always said, “If your sisters need help, we will certainly help them,” she says.
Vanya is also supported by foster mother: “of Course, what we still can’t afford one?”. Then Olga realized that Vanya has been a resource.
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When Olga asked in the guardian whether to accept the child, she said no one. That’s just one boy after the return, but still no show. Olga looked at the picture — an ordinary boy, what is the problem? Turns out it was returned twice. 11-year-old Dima, according to the foster parents “lied, stole, ran away from home”.
But Olga was excited else — where the boy slept when he ran away from home? It turned out not so bad. He was found and brought back home the same day. And Olga was like, “okay, what’s critical? Such a crisis can happen to any child…”. But care said: just parents tired. They have two adult children, two more kids. Not to Dimka… “Mom is blown, said: “can’t be” brought into custody, put him on a chair and gone,” — said in the guardian. Then Dima talked to the Agency staff. Olga decided to meet the boy. “Are you sure?” was surprised care staff. Yes, Olga was sure of it!
Dima at a time after quarantine came to the shelter, no one came. Olga understood — the child is in stress, one-on-one with their feelings. It probably was, though outwardly no one could think all day long the boy read books. Such a historically proven way to isolate themselves from the outside world.
Dima for lessons. Photos from the family archive Krasilnikova
“Turkish delight” and “Napalm”
Olga was presented first, according to legend employee care. “When I saw Dima, I can’t say that I felt him to death sorry or that I loved him,’ she recalls. But I thought in my power to support him.” Visited him a few times, and then came to him with the van and said, “Dima, do you want to come to our family?”.
Dima agreed immediately. The child after the return is living in a state of despair, and Dima was so desperate: what will that bondage — all the same, as they say. So in October 2015 Olga had a second son.
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Olga recalls that the first time, he tried a lot more than the van, it was such a sweet period, just “Turkish delight”. She even told Dima that he stopped trying, be yourself, after all, imperfect. Olga is annoyed by his excessive effort and creepiness. It turned out that it was a big problem. She saw the pretense. She wanted to say, “Yes, come on, burn with Napalm! Do not believe!”. And two months later started…
He was inattentive to things he has lost, broke, shredding paper with scissors or torn in a kind of frenzy. Disassembled the remote, tablet, alarm clock, poked a screwdriver all that was possible. It was a learning process, but children that are five years…
And of course it was stress, psychosis. Dima moved the food. Olga found her in the chest between things. And he couldn’t explain his behavior. But the question is foster mom: “Why?!” was rather rhetorical. It was pointless to seek the truth, it was necessary to correct the situation.
Dima constantly dug through the belongings of Olga, and she was irritated with this intrusion of personal space. It was important for her to find things where she put them. But physiologist Anna Gajkalovathat Olga is told, explained: “Look, he’s the one you dragged through things mom assigns…”.
Dima, according to Olga, still has difficulty with self-esteem, understanding of the value itself. Returns the painful fact that the child takes the blame on himself. Adult it does not say: “Sorry I failed, I failed”. And the child believes he is bad, and now he has a fear of rejection returned.
Alina and his younger brother Dima. Photos from the family archive Krasilnikova
Recently Dima was in the hospital with a broken leg. When Olga came to him, his first question was: “Mom, how was work?”. Second: “you will take me out of here?”. He still fears that it may return to the orphanage.
“The previous foster family lives with us in the same yard, and is stressful for Dima, — says Olga. He’s still trying to please us — me, Aline van. And afraid to see the previous parents, from whom he lived a year.”
One day last winter, Dima, playing in the yard in the snow with the van, I saw my former foster dad, but then the boy was in the enthusiasm, fun, and not worried this time. And in the summer, as Olga says, he met with former foster mom. She opened her arms to him, and he swept past on the rollers. Later he was admitted to Olga: “I thought my heart would jump out of his chest.” He was afraid of the meeting and a few hours of riding in circles in the backyard trying to calm down, because in front of him, swept his whole life in this family.
“The day the son is giving me a test of strength, loyalty, — says Olga. And every time I told him: “Another mother you will not have this family forever!”. My older siblings, we explained to Dima that you will always protect him, that we the family not to be afraid of and if he wants to go and take out the remaining toys, photos. It is important to feel that we stood up for him that he is a beloved son and brother”.
The whole family: my mother Olga, daughter Alina and sons Ivan and Dima. Photos from the family archive Krasilnikova
“Adaptation is still ongoing and overlaps with the “charm” transitional age”, — says Olga. Now she knows — she always has resources. Older children, friends, psychologists, Hobbies, work.
There are other adoptive parents who are ready at a difficult moment even invite the child to her for awhile so she could rest. “When I couldn’t help any conversation with an experienced adoptive moms, I went into our care, but not to return and for help. “Girls, help!”, — sincerely shares his experiences Olga. — And helped us — were given the opportunity to speak out “uncut”, helped to remember all our successes and achievements, sent for consultation to Ludmila Petranovskoj and Maria Kapilina. As a psychologist Kapilina Maria told me: “Olga, crutches lying around everywhere, just lift them and use””.
Do not be afraid to take the family teenagers, sure, Olga. “Yes, there are difficulties of adolescence, but I with these children easier, they can negotiate, they can do a lot to explain — sure, Olga Krasilnikova. — I believe the key is to be sincere with teenagers, any child. They feel any falsehood. It is people “without skin”, with a keen sense of justice. We also much tried and made mistakes, ran away, argued or not doing homework. And our own children have not escaped. Why foster children don’t make mistakes? All this is our life.”