Even in the workplace between colleagues is often observed a flash of jealousy. Despite the fact that the feeling of jealousy is for a person is quite natural, it is always unpleasant: jealousy spoil the mood, destroys relationships and causes symptoms similar to symptoms of depression or anxiety disorders. Openly show feelings of jealousy is considered indecent, but dealing with it is not always possible.
How to beat jealousy, says clinical psychologist and cognitive behavioral therapist Center for psychosomatic medicine and psychotherapy “Alvian” Moscow Anna Silver.
QUIZ: are you jealous?
The origins of the problem
Before talking about how to deal with jealousy, you need to understand why there is this feeling. The most accurate and modern explanation is given cognitive behavioral therapy. From the point of view of cognitive-behavioral therapy it is believed that the reason for the jealousy people have always. This can be the experience of past cheating (self or partner), especially education, through which people got low self esteem or a certain style of affection, or evolutionary features of the human species, which force woman to prove a proprietary relationship to her man, and man is programmed to not waste their resources on someone else’s offspring. Cognitive behavioral therapy asserts that every person is able not only to realistically assess the causes of their jealousy, but overcome them, because the analysis of these reasons a person uses thinking and thinking can be changed.
In cognitive-behavioral therapy jealousy is regarded as one of the most difficult variants of the alarm with the following characteristics:
Hypersensitivity to possible threats, in which neutral situations perceived as dangerous (“he sits on the Internet because he’s losing interest, she turns for too long in the mirror – he probably wants someone to like you”, “the chief has a new pet, now I have to perform the most routine errands,” etc.).
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Jealousy causes mixed feelings: “if I’m jealous, so there are reasons for this”, but “if someone sees that I’m jealous, I would be ashamed.”
Jealous as alarm instantly activates a person’s own ideas about ourselves as individuals. A person with low self-esteem in a flash of jealous thoughts immediately arise about their worthlessness, incompetence, unattractiveness, lack of success. If a person believes in their own superiority over other people, jealousy arouses indignation: “What right (s) he has to give attention to other people and ignore me, such a gorgeous?” And if a person convinced of the evil intentions of others, his jealousy is accompanied by thoughts about what it distract or weaken their attention and everyone will forget about him (or get his partner).
The jealous man convinced that his jealousy will help him to timely detect the threat and prevent undesirable events; therefore, it assesses the external events are not based on facts, but on the basis of their feelings: if he feels jealous, then there is something threatening to their well-being, and if jealousy arises, then you should not worry.
The feeling of jealousy, like anxiety, is a person passionate or even pathological attempts to control the other person and get information about each step. Tend to follow the partner, check his phone, computer, personal items or even the contents of his pockets, asking him about the slightest details of what is happening, etc. this can result In alcohol abuse or craving for drugs.
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Diagnosis: jealousy. What to do?
Jealousy is a feeling complex, so to get rid of jealousy is simple and there is no quick solution. Cognitive behavioral therapy offers several strategies to help overcome feelings of jealousy and bring relief not only very jealous, but also its surrounding.
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Strategy one: finding the motivation to overcome jealousy
Ask yourself: why do you need to overcome jealousy? Why should you change yourself and try to cope with jealousy? Do you have the need to spend time to change something and what price you are willing to pay for it (for example, are you willing to endure conflict in relationships, to experience anxiety or anger, etc.)? The answers to these questions will help you to soberly assess the situation and to put in order your feelings.
Strategy two: to distinguish between your feelings and the facts of external reality
Try to understand when your jealousy caused by credible facts and when it is merely the result of your speculation, thoughts or feelings. You need to understand that, in some cases, your jealousy productive (i.e. can lead to an adequate and useful actions on your part that will help to improve the relationship with the partner), and in which the unproductive (i.e., only leads to disembodied ongoing reflections and worsening of mood). Understand this, you will be able to clearly assess the origins of their jealousy, and then to overcome it will be easier.
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Strategy three: to measure yourself by
When you see the flash of jealousy try to look at ourselves and observe the progress you have this feeling. To do this you have to give up controlling and manipulative behavior and the actions dictated by emotions. As a result, you will be able to buy time to make the right decision and continue to act on the basis of careful reflection.
Strategy four: to renounce the desire for total control
Do you think you can life everything and to control everyone? If so, then this is very misleading. It is important to accept the fact that your feelings, as feelings are unpredictable, and therefore impossible to control them. Remember that your jealousy will not make these feelings predictable or controllable. Jealousy will not help save relationships, your jealous behavior will keep a partner, and your actions are clearly aimed at getting rid of jealousy, can only provoke new outbreaks of this unpleasant feeling.
Strategy five: learn to control your emotions
We must not forget that currently there are many special techniques that help to control any emotion, including jealousy. You can learn some of these techniques to learn how to more effectively cope with stress and their own experiences.
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Strategy six: engage in introspection
Think about how you perceive yourself, what are your beliefs about self and what they are based more on facts or on emotions. Consider how your life will change, if destroyed the relationships that make you jealous and see whether the destruction of these relations disaster for you or you can easily experience it? It will also be helpful assess you and your partner skills for successful communication and do you implement them in your relationship.
Strategy seven: to direct the energy of emotions on personal goals
Try to direct the energy of jealousy to their own goals to which you aspire and which it is possible to achieve without the participation of your partner. This can be the purpose in the outer life (career, study, hobby) or internal goals (the attainment of peace and harmony, the ability to cope with emotions, etc.). In this case, you will feel more successful and competent person, and coping with jealousy will be easier.